130 Coffee Jokes

Q: What’s the opposite of coffee? Sneezy.
Q: How did the hipster burn their mouth? They drank their coffee before it was cool.
Barista: How do you take your coffee? Me: Very, very seriously.
Q: What’s the best Beatles song? Latte Be!
Q: How do cups greet each other? With mugs and kisses.
Q: What do you call sad coffee? Despresso.
Q: What did the Italian guy say when he was teased? Don’t mocha me!
Q: What did the caffeine addict name his cats? Cream and Sugar.
Q: What’s coffee’s favorite spell? Espresso Patronum!
Q: Why did the barista get fired? They kept showing up to work in a tea-shirt.
Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. Spouse #2: That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.
Q: What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Q: What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee? brewhaha.
Q: Did you hear about the cow that gave birth? It was de-calf-inated.
Q: Why don’t coffee beans ever get into arguments? Because they don’t want to espresso their feelings!
Q: What did the cup of coffee say when she didn’t make it on time? Sorry, I’m latte
Q: What happens if you touch Dad’s coffee? You’ll be grounded!
Q: What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Q: What does specialty coffee have in common with Eric Clapton? Both are good without cream.
Q: How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.

Q: What’s a barista’s favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind!
Q: What does a coffee lover say when they’re hitting on you? I’ve been thinking about you a latte.
Q: What do you call it when you spill coffee on your calendar?  A macciato.
Q: What’s a coffee’s favorite film?AA Mug’s Life.
Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Q: Why did the cup of coffee lift the milk jug? That was strong coffee
Q: What do you say when someone gives you a Mr. Coffee Iced? Cool beans!
Q: Why did the coffee file a police report? 
Q: What do gossiping pots do? 
Q: Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people? It can be a strong, heated debate.
Q: What did the coffee lover name her son? Joe, obviously.
Q: How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Q: Why do they call coffee mud? Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
Q: Why shouldn’t you discuss coffee in polite company? It can make for a strong and heated debate.
Q: What did the barista say when asked to heal a tired dog? I’ll give it my best shot! If this is decaf, we’re gonna have a latte problems.
Q: What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song? “Don’t Stop Brewing.”
Q: Why do some people call fresh coffee mud?Because it was just ground a few minutes ago.
Q: What did the caffeine addict name his cats? Cream and Sugar.
Q: How is divorce like espresso? It’s expensive and bitter.
Q: What did the coffees say before their night out? Let’s stir up some trouble!
Q: Why are Italians so good at making coffee?  because they know how to espresso themselves.
Q: Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso? It’s a cheap shot.
Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee? Mugging!
Q: What did the mommy coffee bean say to the naughty little coffee bean? You’re grounded!Q: Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Q: What’s a coffee’s favorite sport? Mugwrestling.
Q: Why do they call coffee mud? Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
Q: Who did Han Solo owe coffee to? Java the Hut.
Q: How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee? You channel surf faster without the remote.
Q: What’s its favorite Bob Marley song?Don’t Worry, Be Frappé.
Q: Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee? Because according to the Torah, He Brews!
Q: What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?“What’s Sumatra with you?”
Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Q: What did the mommy coffee bean say when the naughty little coffee bean came home late? Where have you bean?
Q: Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch?  Because he was pressed for time.
Q: What do you call a coffee lover’s vacation? A latte fun!
Q: What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?  De-calf-inated.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who put World War II figures in his coffee every morning?heard that the best part of waking up was soldiers in your cup.
Q: How does the serial killer like his coffee? How he likes his victims—all ground up.
Q: What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With Your Best Shot!
Q: What do you call the feeling that you’ve had this coffee before? Deja-Brew
Q: What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work? Break fluid
Q: What do brave coffee grounds do? They take the plunger
Q: What’s a coffee’s favorite game? Java!
Q: What did the coffee addict say to his doctor? I don’t have a problem with coffee; I have a problem without it!
Q: Where do birds go for coffee? To the NESTcafe.
Q: What do beans say to their Valentines? You keep me grounded.
Q: When do mechanics drink coffee? When they are on a brake…

Q: How does a tech guy drink coffee? He installs Java!
Q: What do you say to a sick coffee bean? What’s Sumatra with you?
Q: What’s a coffee’s favorite board game? Beanopoly!
Q: What is a bean’s favorite thing to eat on Thanksgiving? Roast.
Q: What do waiters who don’t bring the coffee quickly enough get? Lukewarm applause
Q: What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee? Raw raw raw raw raw.
Q: Why do they call coffee mud? Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
Q: How do you make Pig Jerky? Give them some coffee.
Q: What did the barista’s Valentine say? I can’t espresso my love for you.
Q: Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
Q: Why can’t cups of coffee go to Hogwarts? They’re muggles
Q: What’s a coffee’s favorite hobby? Bean-bag toss.
Q: Why did the kangaroo stop drinking his cup of coffee? It made him too jumpy.
Q: What do baristas prefer? Brewnettes
Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer. It was instant.
Q: Why can Starbucks get away with charging outrageous prices for coffee? Because they have Italian titles for everything!
Q: How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage? One person thinks it’s grounds for divorce.
Q: What did the bored coffee drinker say?Bean there, done that
Q: What do South Africans drink in the morning? A cup of Johannesburg
Q: What’s a coffee’s favorite city? New Beangladesh!
I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee…Safe tea first, though.I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I drank it and left my house to go to work.bAfter 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.
Q: What’s fat, hairy, and drinks a lot of coffee? Java the Hut!
Q: What do cups of coffee say when they see a friend? How are you doing percolately?
Q: What’s a coffee’s favorite comedian?  Brew-dy Allen.
Q; What did the coffee say to their date? Hey there, hot stuff!
Q: What do you call the first level of a coffee factory? The ground floor.
Q: Why do I not like hot drinks? It’s just not my cup of tea.

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
Q: Where do bad cups of coffee go when they die? To perca-tory
Q: What did the two coffee enthusiasts say when they got married? 
Q: What currency can we use to buy coffee in space?A S T A R B U C K S.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning–No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Q: What do you call it when you drop your coffee mug?A coffee break
Q: What’s a coffee’s favorite holiday? Brew Year’s Eve!
Q: What do Americans drink in the morning? A cup of Joe Biden
Q: Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup? He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Q: Why did the gardener save his coffee grounds? For sentimental reasons.
Q: Who is Al Pacino’s coffee-loving brother? Cap…
Q: Why did the cup of coffee always complain? He was just bitter
Q: What do you call two coffee mugs sitting next together?A happy cup-ple.
Q: Why was the cup of coffee top of the class? She was a beverage
A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.
Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before? Déjà brew.
Q: What do you call coffee with sunglasses and tattoos? Cool beans “Wake me up before you cocoa!”
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye. The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Q: How do you make Pig Jerky? Give them some coffee.
Q: What did the coffee say to the boiling water? We’ll kettle this in court
Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.
Bad news: I spilled coffee on my keyboard. Good news: It’s all under control.
Q: Why did it take the bean so long to do its homework?Because it was procaffeinating.